Disclaimer: I have very limited knowledge of DnD, having only played it once briefly in high school. Most of what I know comes from listening to RPG horror stories on YouTube and watching a few episodes of Critical Role.
Then again, the characters in this story have just as limited knowledge as I do, so it works out.
The cast here is based on James Roberts' own comments about what a Lost Light RP group would be like.
DUNGEONS & DINOBOTS
Session 0
“Dungeons and what now?”
“Dragons!” Swerve grinned ear-to-ear as he showed Nautica the cover of some sort of book on his viewscreen. “It’s a game that humans on Earth play!”
Nautica regarded the cover skeptically. There was indeed a dragon on the cover (or at least what she knew to be a dragon), so that part was accurate at least. There were also two humans fighting the dragon, one being a bearded man clad in some sort of wooden armor, and the other a woman with some sort of scarlet garb that showed off her legs. A green orb of energy was also glowing in the woman’s hands, and Nautica was pretty sure humans could not do that, at least based on the limited research she had done on the species.
“So, does it teach them to do magic?” she asked.
“Yup!” Swerve replied. He then paused before saying, “Well, actually, I think it’s all in their imagination. Like, they pretend to do magic but they’re not actually doing it, you know?”
“Oh. But the dragons are real, right?”
“Uh, no, those are still in your imagination. Actually, I think they come in little figurines so you can act as if the dragon is really there. But they’re, like, this small!” Swerve held up a hand and closed his thumb and index finger together. “We’ll have to find figurines that scale better to us.”
“’We?’”
“Yeah, I’m organizing a game at the bar! I’ve already got, like, five other players, so all we need is a Dungeon Master!”
“A Dungeon Master?”
“Yeah, someone to run the game for us.”
Nautica tilted her head. “Why can’t you do it?”
“Because I’m playing a wizard, and you can’t be a Dungeon Master and a player at the same time. Well, you can, but it’s ill-advised.”
“Ill-advised by who?”
“Look, are you in or not? Because Ultra Magnus sure as hell isn’t gonna do it and he’s the only other rules lawyer I know on this ship.”
Nautica threw her hands up. “All right, fine, I’ll do it.”
Swerve pumped his fist. “Awesome! Wait until I tell the others!”
* * *
“So, what do these things do?” Riptide asked as he held up a pair of dice.
“You roll them to make a move,” Swerve said as he took his seat at the round table. Nautica sat opposite of him, staring in complete bemusement at the holographic display projected in front of her. Swerve had made sure to make the hologram a complete replica of the Gamemaster’s Handbook. He had some difficulty because there were, like, five different versions, but he made it all work and just used the best parts from each of them. He was positive that Nautica would quickly get the hang of it.
Sitting next to Riptide, Blades was admiring the figurine that Ten had handcrafted for him as he had for the other players. His character was, according to the handbook Swerve had shown him, a dwarven barbarian. “We get to smash these things together when we fight, right?”
Swerve shrugged. “If you want to, I guess. The books I read didn’t really say anything about that.”
Hound looked up from the figurine of his Cleric and regarded the confused Nautica with a concerned look. “Do you want me to…?”
Nautica waved a hand. “No, no, I’ve got it.”
“Are you sure? I mean, I’ve spent a little time on Earth, so I have an idea about how humans—”
“Trust me, I’ve got it.”
Sitting between Hound and Rewind, Rung looked over to Swerve. “So, when do we start playing?”
“Well, this is just a Session Zero,” Swerve explained. “This is just a way to get a feel for the game and see what we’re all comfortable with.”
“What kinds of things would we not be comfortable with?” asked Rewind.
“Well, you know, things like… romance! Sometimes, players will have their characters get together romantically even if they’re not in real life.”
“Kind of like actors?”
“Yeah, exactly!”
Blades scowled. “Well, I’m sure as hell not hooking up with anyone here. My barbarian only likes smashing dragons, not smashing lips together!”
“And that’s perfectly fine,” Swerve said. “Again, whatever makes you guys feel comfortable.”
Riptide sighed, rolling the dice around in his hands. “I’m still so confused. What are all these dots for?”
“That’s the number on the die,” Swerve said. “You add them up and—”
“Why not just use actual numbers instead of dots?”
“Because—”
“Oh!” Nautica exclaimed. “Now I know what I’ve been doing wrong! I’ve had the display upside down this whole time!”
Rewind sighed as he rested his head in his hands. “This is gonna be interesting, I bet.”
Session 1
“You meet in a tavern.”
“What’s a tavern?” Blades asked.
Nautica winced but Hound saved her from answering. “It’s like a bar. Like what we’re in now.”
“Why not just call it a bar then?”
“It’s supposed to be archaic,” Swerve said. “Dungeons and Dragons takes place a long time ago, before dragons went extinct.”
Blades slowly nodded. “Right. Got it.”
Rung looked around the table. “Has anyone seen Riptide?”
“I think he forgot to show up,” Rewind said. “Does someone want to message him or…?”
“We can wait until next time,” Swerve said. “I don’t think he even rolled up a character.”
Nautica cleared her vocal processor. “Right, okay. So you meet in a tavern. Hound, what’s your character doing?”
“I’m going around the room, spreading the good word of Primus,” Hound said, mimicking the motion with his Cleric figurine.
“Primus doesn’t exist in this world,” Swerve interjected.
“The human equivalent then.”
“Oh!” Rewind raised a hand. “Can I be his bodyguard or something? I looked it up and paladins are, like, religious knights, and if Hound’s cleric is a religious leader, then it makes sense that the two would go together, right?”
Swerve looked to Nautica. “Your call, Dungeon Master.”
“Um, sure.” Nautica shrugged. “I don’t see why not. What about you, Blades? What are you up to?”
“I’m sulking in a corner, sharpening my axe,” Blades said sullenly.
“Rewind and I approach him,” Hound said.
Blades pounded his fist on the table, a gleeful expression on his face. “I swing my axe at them and chop their heads off!”
The entire table went silent, with some looking back and forth between Swerve and Nautica. Nautica looked to Swerve but the white and red minibot merely shrugged, gesturing to indicate that the choice was in her hands.
After taking a moment to look at her handbook, Nautica took in a breath before looking over to Hound and Rewind. “Roll for initiative. You too, Blades”
The two exchanged glanced before rolling their respective dice. Blades did the same. Hound looked up from his and said, “Eighteen,” while Rewind said “Twenty.”
Blades scowled. “Four.”
Nautica looked back at her guide and her face brightened. “Okay. Blades swings his axe and misses, tripping over his feet and falling face first on the floor.”
Hound and Rewind laughed as they high-fived each other. Blades, meanwhile, crossed his arms as he sunk back in his seat. “Just lucky,” he mumbled under his breath.
Rung raised his hand to get everyone’s attention. “I notice the commotion and walk over to see what’s going on. I am playing a healer, so my first priority would be to—”
“I’m fine,” Blades snapped. “I get back up and dust myself off. I’m fine.”
“Okay,” Nautica said. “So, now that you four are together… Swerve, where are you?”
Swerve beamed. “Oh, I’m not at the tavern. You guys haven’t met me yet.”
Nautica frowned. “I thought everyone was supposed to meet in a tavern.”
“Traditionally, yes. But who says we have to follow tradition? Let’s subvert expectations a bit. Trust me, when I show up, it’s gonna be a big moment. Just you wait!”
Session 2
“Anytime you could show up would be great,” Blades muttered.
“Let’s not deus ex machina this,” Swerve said. “Trust me, it would ruin the moment.”
“Okay, Rewind, the tentacle monster has a tendril wrapped around your neck,” Nautica said. “What do you do?”
“I, uh, cut it with my sword?” Rewind asked tentatively.
“Roll.”
“For what?”
“Uh, initiative.”
“I thought I already—”
“I don’t know, just roll your dice, okay?”
Rewind did so. “Sixteen.”
“Okay, your sword cuts through the tentacle and you manage to free yourself.”
“We make a run for the exit,” said Hound.
“No!” Blades interjected. “I cut the monster to pieces with my—”
“Blades, you’re dead, remember?” Nautica said.
He deflated. “Oh. Right.”
“Can we carry his body out of the cave?” Rung asked.
“If you’re quick about it, sure,” said Nautica.
Swerve watched as everyone played out their parts. He was pretty happy to see that they were all seeming to get the hang of it. It was honestly pretty close to what he had been seeing from broadcasts showing humans getting together and making a whole performance out of their game…
As his optics fell on Rewind, an idea suddenly sparked in his head. “Hey, Rewind, you’ve got your camera, right?”
Rewind looked up at him. “Uh, yeah? I’ve always got it.” He tapped the side of his head. “Right here, remember?”
“Awesome! Okay, guys, I’ve got an idea.”
“Is your character gonna finally show up?” Blades groused.
“Soon! But first… have you guys heard of a show called Critical Role…?”
Session 3
“Okay, we’re rolling,” Rewind said.
“Oh, god.” Nautica put her hands to her mouth. “Am I supposed to say something?”
“Just introduce yourself,” Swerve whispered to him.
“Um, okay. Hello, everyone. I’m Nautica. I come from a planet called Caminus and, uh, we’re all Autobots and—”
Swerve ran over to Rewind and forcibly turned the Recordibot’s head so that the camera was on him. “And we’re playing Dungeons and Dragons! That’s right! Put it in the headlines: ‘Alien Robots Play Dungeons & Dragons Live On Twitch!’”
“’Twitch?’” Rung asked.
“It’s a livestreaming platform. I had Rewind set up an account and everything.” Swerve looked back into the camera. “You are broadcasting straight to there, right?”
“Yes, Swerve,” Rewind said. “Please let go of my face.”
“Awesome! How many viewers do we have so far?”
“Five. And I think three of them might not even be real humans…”
“Not to worry. We’ve just started.” Swerve ran back to his seat and pushed forward his figurine. “You’re just in time, too, because we’re about to introduce my character: Swervius Maximus of the Highwinds! A dragonborn wizard!”
“Wait,” Blades said. “I thought the dragons were the bad guys. Are you playing a bad guy?”
“No, but I am, let’s say… morally ambiguous.” Swerve smiled slyly. The others simply stared at him blankly.
Rewind broke the silence. “Ooh. There’s been an uptick. Fifteen live viewers now.”
Swerve grinned. “See, I told you! Now then, let’s get started….”
Session 6
“You… want to join our game?”
“Sure,” Rodimus said, taking the seat that had originally belonged to Riptide. “I’ve been hearing the buzz and thought it would be cool. Gives me an excuse to not listen to Magnus drone on….”
“Okay,” Nautica murmured. “What character do you want to play? I have the books right here, so you can—”
“Oh god, I didn’t come here to do any reading.” Rodimus raised his hands. “Just give me whatever sounds the coolest and I’ll roll with it.”
“Um, okay.” Nautica perused through the guides. “How does a… lionfolk fighter sound?”
Rodimus rubbed his chin. “Lions are the ones with the big beards right?”
“Uh, they’re called manes, but… yes.”
“Awesome. Let’s go with that.”
“Okay, great! Now, let me catch you up on the campaign. Last session, we—”
Rodimus waved a hand. “You don’t need to do that. I can figure it out.”
Nautica frowned. “But we have five sessions worth of—”
“It’s all right. I can handle it. Let’s just play.”
Nautica sighed. “All right. Blades, you’ve just been resurrected by….” She cringed slightly. “Swervius Maximus. How are you feeling?”
“Like a million Shanix!” Blades exclaimed.
“Good. Now, your party has made it into the town of Erip’mav, which is ruled by a family of vampires.”
“LET’S CHOP OFF THEIR HEADS!” Blades roared.
“Calm down, Blades, we just got into town.” Hound sighed. “Besides, maybe these vampires are friendly.”
“We do have that vial of blood that we got from the shopkeeper’s chest,” Rung pointed out. “Maybe we could use that as a peace offering.”
Rodimus looked from one player to the next with an incredulous look. “Why are you guys carrying around blood? And what the hell is a vampire?”
Nautica glared at him. “I thought you said you could figure it out.”
“All right, all right. Never mind. Carry on.” Rodimus huffed exasperatedly. “When do I get show up?”
“You can show up now, if you’d like. Maybe your character is a resident of the town and greets the party.”
“Okay.” Rodimus waved at the others. “Hi everyone.”
“You need to state the action you’re performing,” said Rung.
Rodimus huffed. “I walk up to you guys and wave, saying ‘Hi everyone.’”
“Hello,” said Hound. “And what is your name?”
“Rodimus.”
“That’s it?” Swerve asked. “You don’t have a cool name for him?”
Rodimus glanced at him. “Do I need to to?”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” said Nautica. “Besides, I’m sure ‘Rodimus’ fits in just as well as ‘Swervius Maximus….’”
“Yeah!” Rodimus grinned. “Call me Rodimus. Rodimus Prime!”
Nautica buried her face in her hands. “Solus protect me….”
* * *
“…the Vampire Queen laughs as she holds up the severed head of the watchman!” Nautica held up her arms and let out a shrill laugh, startling more than a few members of the table. “’This is the fate that befalls those who defy us!’ she declares!”
“Wow,” Hound muttered. “And here I thought you hated acting….”
“All right, what do we wanna do, guys?” Rodimus asked. “I say we fight them!”
“Sounds good to me!” Blades agreed.
Rung sighed. “I suppose we don’t have much choice. That peace offering certainly didn’t go anywhere….”
“I draw my sword and cast a fireball!” Rodimus declared.
Nautica stared at him. “You’re a fighter.”
“So?”
“Fighters can’t cast fireballs.”
Rodimus frowned. “You let Swerve do it.”
“Because he’s a wizard. You’re a fighter. You can’t cast fireballs.”
Rodimus huffed. “Fine. So what can I do?”
“You can charge at her and swing your sword.”
“Okay, I do that!”
“Roll initiative then.”
Rodimus rolled his dice and counted them up. “Twelve.”
“You run up at the Vampire Queen and swing your sword. She catches the blade in her hands and pulls it out of your hands before pushing you back.”
“Scrap! I slash at her with my claws—”
“You’ll have to wait your turn. Blades, do you want to go next?”
Before Blades could respond, Rodimus suddenly pushed back his seat and stood up. “Sorry, guys, but I’ve gotta get back to the bridge. Captain stuff, you know.”
“Oh, okay,” Nautica said. “Maybe you can join us for the next session.”
“Yeah, sure, I’ll be there.”
Rodimus left the room, and as soon as he was gone, the rest of the players exchanged glances.
“He’s not coming back, is he?” Swerve asked.
“Nope,” everyone else said in unison.
Intermission
Rewind came running into Swerve’s bar excitedly, nearly knocking into Whirl as he made his way to the group’s table, where the others were enjoying refuels rather than playing the game.
“Guys! Guys! You’re not gonna believe this!” He jumped into his seat. “The stream of our latest session hit over a million views last night!”
“See?” Swerve exclaimed. “I told you it would be a good idea! If humans can make it big playing fantasy games, then so can robots!”
“You bet! I’ve even been perusing human networks—they call it the World Wide Web, I think?—and people are just fawning over us! They’ve even made fan art of our characters!”
“Proof or it didn’t happen,” Swerve demanded.
Rewind reached into a compartment and brought out several physical images of said art. One showed Blades’s dwarven barbarian in a frenzy. Another showed Hound’s elven cleric and Rewind’s paladin going about their crusades. A third was a highly detailed portrait of Rung’s red-haired, bespectacled character. Finally, there was one that showed the winged Swervius Maximus casting magic into the sky.
“Wow,” Blades said as he looked at his picture. “They even got the right shade of blue for my face!”
“These are so badass,” Swerve murmured as he gawked at his fan art.
“And don’t worry, Nautica,” Rewind went on. “People are simply gushing over your performance in last night’s session, especially as the Vampire Queen.”
Energon flushed into Nautica’s cheeks. “Really…?”
“Yup! Just…” Rewind hesitated. “Maybe don’t search your name on the Internet.”
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing! It’s just… people really seem to like you.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“No! Not at all! It’s just that… humans tend to have strange ways of showing their appreciation. Ways that might come across as—”
“I’m looking it up.” Nautica brought out her datapad and began typing.
“No no no don’t—!” Swerve lunged to take the datapad out of her hands but Blades stopped him, grabbing him by the waist.
“She’s gonna find out eventually!” Blades said. “Just let it happen!”
Swerve could only watch helplessly as Nautica perused the human networks with a bemused expression. “Seems fine so far,” she murmured. “They do seem to draw me a lot more… curvaceous than I actually am, but it all seems innocent enough.”
She continued scrolling as Swerve groaned into his hands. Blades grinned wickedly. Hound and Rung looked confused. Rewind simply hung his head in shame.
Finally, it happened. “Oh my,” Nautica said.
“I am so sorry,” Rewind sighed.
“Is that a…?”
“It’s probably exactly what you think it is.”
“But we don’t have those.”
“They don’t know that.”
Nautica covered her mouth with a hand. “And that… that’s not Skids, is it?”
“Remember when he guest starred in Session Four? People think you and he had very good chemistry.”
“I was just playing as an enpeecee or whatever it’s called!”
“NPC,” Swerve corrected, his voice muffled by his hands.
Rewind shook his head. “Sadly, humans have difficulty separating fantasy from reality. Which could explain the popularity of this game, funnily enough.”
Nautica was silent as she slowly lowered the datapad, her expression a mix of emotions. Swerve lowered his hands but kept his gaze solely on the table.
“I understand if you guys don’t want to play anymore…”
“I mean, it has been fun,” Hound said. “Honestly. But I’m not sure if it can be a long-term thing. Humans have their ways to spend free time, we have ours…”
“Yes, and scheduling is something of a hurdle,” said Rung. “I already had to postpone too many appointments….”
“At least we defeated the bad guy!” Blades said. “That Vampire Queen was the bad guy, right? The one whose head I chopped off last session?”
“I mean, she was one of them.” Nautica sighed. “But, I think it might be a good idea to take a break. Maybe we can come back together when our schedules are more open.”
Rewind turned to a dejected Swerve. “You can also organize a new party, if you want?”
Swerve looked up at him. “I can?”
“Yeah, I’ve read that humans have multiple campaigns running simultaneously all the time. There’s over a hundred bots on board; I’m sure you can find at least a few that might be interested in playing. You can even DM!”
“What about the livestreams?”
“Don’t worry about that. I can keep on recording the sessions and I’ll figure out the Twitch channel.”
“What are you losers talking about?”
Everyone looked up to see Whirl looming over their table.
“Dungeons and Dragons,” Swerve said. “It’s a game that humans—”
“I know,” Whirl interrupted. “I’ve been watching the streams. Kind of boring, if I’m being honest.”
Swerve scowled. “Okay, then, butt out of our business if you’re gonna—”
“But I know how to make it not boring.”
Swerve frowned. “How’s that?”
Whirl waved a claw. “Follow me.”
Session 0
“…and those are the rules,” Swerve said in conclusion. “Any questions?”
“So we roll the dice and then shoot?” Strafe asked as he loaded up his gun.
“When you’re in combat, yes. But you won’t be in combat all of the time.”
“Most of the time,” Whirl piped in as he set up the practice targets.
“Do we get those little figurines like you guys did in Nautica’s campaign?” asked Atomizer.
“Only if you want. In this game, you basically are your characters. You don’t need figures to represent yourselves.”
“Are shooting ranges normal settings for these kinds of games?” asked Doubletap.
“No,” Swerve admitted. “But then, we aren’t the normal kinds of players. We rolling, Rewind?”
Rewind gave the thumbs up.
“All right, then. Let’s get this game started!”
Riptide sighed as he rolled around a pair of dice in his hands. “I’m sorry… but what do we do with these things, again?”
